Children and Grief - Cynthia Clarke

Grief is a very personal and unique experience. Children often struggle to make sense of their loss as they try to conceptualize that their loved one will not be returning to them. They grapple with the same feelings and emotions adults experience when a person we care about has died. One of the most difficult tasks for a grieving child is to learn how to incorporate loss into his life and to find a way to go on living after the person has died.

Regardless of their age, children can experience shock, denial, confusion, sadness, anger, blame, withdrawal, wishing, acceptance and healing. Children grieve differently at different ages. Keep in mind that younger children do not understand that death is final. Often times this concept does not resonate with a child until he is eight-ten years of age. Try and support a child based on his individual needs and his unique ability to comprehend the finality of death. It is not necessary to make any child believe that death is final. Understand that acquiring this information is a natural developmental process that will happen when a child is ready to accept the finality of death.

It is not unusual for sadness to convert to anger and blame as children struggle to cope. These types of feelings can often range in intensity depending on a child's personality and coping skills. Some children may act in the same manner as before, other children may become withdrawn and want to be left alone. You may also notice that a child expresses a variety of feelings through angry or emotional outbursts. This is often an effort to release grief.

A typical response to loss for all ages is to imagine what it would be like if the death never occurred. This is a normal coping mechanism that provides a brief retreat from the pain of grief. Younger children may elaborately fantasize about how things could be different. This is a way for them to cope with their inability to control their environment or unexpected events around them. Incorporating healing from loss often occurs at various times for children of all ages. Healing is difficult to measure but inevitably leads to peace and/or acceptance. Some children have a higher tolerance for dealing with loss. Help a child heal by encouraging him to express his feelings safely.

Infants and Toddlers: It is helpful to be consistent with regular routines and schedules as much as possible. This helps infants and toddlers expect some sense of control in unfamiliar circumstances. Caregivers who are able to stay physically close can help a young children feel safe and loved.

Ages 3-6 years: Make sure children at this age know that they did not cause the death. Use simple terms and explanations and avoid giving more information than a child is seeking. This age will have minimal tolerance for sitting still for a lengthy explanation about what does not affect them personally.

Ages7-9 years: Reassure children of this age that there will always be someone to care for them. Talk to a child about the reasons why people die and encourage him to ask questions.

Ages 10-12 years: This age group often thinks that death happens to other people and that it should not be happening to someone they know or love. They may become especially concerned that something may happen to the people who take care of them. Communicate openly with children in this age group by asking them if they have any questions. Encourage youngsters to express their feelings.

Teenagers: Teenagers feel invincible and often participate in reckless behaviors that challenge death. Often teenagers fantasize about death, including their own. They often think that death won't happen to them or anyone they know. In addition they often feel the need to outwardly express their grief when someone has died. They seek comfort from their friends, but still want adults to offer sympathy and inquire about how they are coping.

We all experience many different types of loss throughout our lives, some more painful than others. You have learned many different ways to help children and teens cope and continue living after someone dies. In addition to supporting them, remember that whenever possible tangible keepsakes, reminders about what the person was like and stories that involved the deceased can become precious to those left behind. Embracing the grief process gives everyone the gift of hope for tomorrow. All children and teens can benefit from adults who can help them validate, remember and commemorate their loss.