Losing My Grandmother

- By L'Tanya Hamblett

It was a normal day at my sister's house and it was time for me to get up for school. Every since July 14, 2006 I have been staying with my sister, because my grandmother was back and forth from the hospital to the rehabilitation, but she never came back homeN. My grandmother Nwent into the hospital in July because of a blood clog that was on her feet, and they had to remove her first two toes because there was no circulation in them. My grandmother was a diabetic and had to take sugar pills, but at the time she had stop taking them and I didn't know until she went into the hospital. As weeks passed we were expecting my grandmother to be home, but every time we were expecting her to come home, more problems start coming in. She kept going in and out of the hospital to the rehabilitation center. That's when we really start worrying, but still knowing she was coming home soon, because we just had a goodN. There have many times before when my grandmother was sick before, she came back home and was back to her normal self. Also knowing that if my grandmother didn't come back home, my whole life will change, but was not trying to think like that. I would have to become an adult quicker than I legally will become an adult. I know that I would have to start doing things for myself and get a job and make sure I had all my business under control, because I was the one who was going to be responsible for all my business.
"Why today had to be Monday?" I said as I was struggling to get up out of the bed.

As I walked to the bathroom my sister was already cooking breakfast at six 'o' clock in the morning. She didn't have to work that day so she was going to drop me and her kids off at school. As we were getting ready my sister notices that she had a missed call on her cell phone and it was my Uncle Joe (my grandma brother).
N "Tanya let me see your phone because Uncle Joe just call my phone; I wondered why he would call so early in the morning?", as she was reaching for my phone.
"Hello"
"Yeah, I see you call me, but I can't call out and my house phone is not on yet"
"What message?"
I am sitting there also wanting to know why he would call six in the morning, knowing that whatever it was could have waited.
BAM!!
There goes the phone flying across the room. Now I am thinking what is going on. Everything I could think of was popping up in my head.
"What is wrong with mama?"
"Is she okay?"
"Will she get better?"
I didn't know what to think. I was so confused. She then got up went into her room and then came back out and leaned against the side of the couch and said as tears was rolling down her face,
"TANYA, MAMA GONE!"
It was Monday, February 5, 2007 and it was the worst day of my life. All I could think of after hearing those words was how I was going to live my life without her. These words are still in my head today, and will never leave. I would have never thought I would be planning my grandmother funeral. My sister tried to calm me down, but I was to upset to try to stop. She kept saying,
"Tanya, don't worry everything is going to be okay".
"No, no, no, no, no", I said as I just constantly screaming and crying.
It was not going to be okay because the person that I loved so dearly was gone on home to live with Jesus. I couldn't believe it. I started going insane. I blanked out for a few seconds and realize that this was not a dream and I just started throwing things. I just wanted my grandma and I just kept saying
"I want to go home to mama; I want to go home to mama". I just kept calling her name.

I knew not to ask God why because my grandma always told me to never question God's work. He knows what He is doing and He never makes mistakes, but there were many times that I did want to ask why. There are times now when I want to ask why, but I have been taught better than that. My sister then told me not to worry; everything is going to be alright. I knew I would be in good hands after my grandmother death, but it would not be the same. There would have been a lot of changes and I was not ready for them at all.
My grandma adopted me when I was eleven months old, and I was living with her every sinceN. She was my adopted mother, but it was not like my mama didn't want me, it was at the time my mother couldn't afford another child living in a house that six people already lived. So my grandma and my mama talked about and that is when my grandma adopted me. I still saw my mama, my sisters and my daddy as much as I like. Things didn't change, and the love continued and grew stronger each day.

It was June 24, 1994 when my mama got called home to glory. That was a big tragedy. I was five years old, but was too young to understand everything, but knew I was not going to see my mama ever again. That is when my lovely grandma moved out of her low-income apartment where she was paying sixty-five dollars a month and moved where she had to pay six-hundred and fifty dollars. She did that because she loved us so dearly and would not want us to be separated, and did not want recognition for it.

Another tragedy hit the family, four months later my father died of a heart attack and a blood vessel bust in his brain. I thought my life was over. I was young but I still knew at this point both of my parents were gone out of my life for good. Life was really hard for me growing up knowing that I didn't have a mother or father. I knew that my grandma would be there for all of us if we needed anything and she was. She kept off a lot of things that she needed, just to make sure we had clothes, shoes, food, and a place to lay our heads. She was the person who kept the family together. She took on a big responsibility for us and did great job and plenty more.

My grandma was a God fearing woman and would not take down for anyone. We stayed in Sunday school, church, bible class and prayer service, and any extra services they had we attended also. Knowing that we stayed in church, when I was young I knew that it was a good reason for going to church but was too young to understand. Also knowing that she was trying to make me a better person, by staying in church every times the doors open. We knew on Sunday mornings there were no playing sick and tired because it was no use. We were going and that was the end of it. If we had a question about it and frowned up, there was a pop coming to our face. My grandmother was the Mother of the church and was very well respected by all.

Lately, times have been hard. Don't know which way to turn and ask for help. I am so confused about what to do. Knowing to survive after my grandmother death because she was not there to give me money for these thing is that I needed a job for clothes, shoes, senior activities and school fees, and just to live. Right today I still feel torn inside. Wondering when all the pain is going to stop. Praying to God asking for guidance and help, because I was told that is the only way out. I always use to say
"I can't wait until I turn eighteen, I'll be grown!" and my grandmother use to always say following right behind my response,
"Tanya, please don't rush into adulthood. You will want to be a child again quicker than a blink f an eye!"
I never wanted to listen. Now I know rushing into adulthood is nothing to play with. Just because I wanted to rush in it so hard, adulthood came so quick right before my eyes.

Now I just sit around and really starting not to care about anything because it seems to me I do not have a person to live for. My grandmother was the one telling saying,
"Keep on going and don't let anyone stop you", "Make me and your parents proud of you"; "Show the world that you are somebody and that you are not giving up."

My grandmother was the one who you could go and talk to and she would give you the honest truth, and most of the times it was something you didn't want to hear. It was the truth and she was not going to sugar code anything for you. She always encouraged us to do our best and told us when we could have done better. If you didn't want the truth then you should have not went to her. There have been times me and my grandmother was not getting alone, but knowing that I needed her for everything and could not stay mad long at the person who has a roof over my head and food, and clothes for me. Yes we did have hard times not knowing where this and that was coming from, but by her having faith in God, she didn't have to worry about a thing. She was the person who gave money away, but never borrowed because she didn't need for anything.

My sisters tell me also to stay in school and make something of myself but it is still not the same. People tell me that she would want me to continue my goals but it is very hard for her not be here with me when I accomplish them. I am still in school, but things are going very slow for me, and I had to make some big changes that I was not use to while living with my grandmother. I didn't have to manage my money while living with my grandmother, she gave it to me piece by piece and I got what I needed. Also making sure I had everything I needed before she got her anything, because in her eyesight I came first. Also little things like going to the doctor with me, every time I was sick she would go with me to the doctor knowing that I could go by myself. Also going with me to buy shoes and clothes, and other things that I needed and I know she didn't have to go but just wanted her by my side. I knew my sister would not do these things because she wants me to go out into the real world by myself and experience on my own, and show me tough love and that would be a good thing for me because no longer would I have mama's coat tail along side with me, but little old me was no where near ready for the big change. I knew that I would have to become an adult faster than ever and take on adult responsibilities. I knew that I would have to go through a lot of hard times, but I planned to stick in there for the best in the long run. I know there will be many hard times through my life, but I know that I come too far to turn aroundN. All I want my grandmother and my mother, and my father to look down on me and say
"Well done L'Tanya, we are proud of you and you kept your promise".