Your Story - Coping With Loss

Coping with loss is an individual experience, with no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people find sharing their story a good way of expressing their feelings, finding comfort and helping them along the road to recovery. Everybody has their own way of coping, but sharing coping stategies with people in a similar situation to yourself is an excellent way of exploring new concepts.

Here, we would like from people like you.

• Who did you lose?
• Circumstances of your loss?
• Initial thoughts and feelings?
• How did you deal with loss in the short term?
• How did you deal with loss in the long term?
• How do you memorialize and remember?

This project stated in 2007, and the stories will be published on a monthly basis. Please send your story to:

funeral.poems@gmail.com

I look forward to hearing from you!

Gayle Watts

Cheryl's Story

Who did you lose?
On Monday 29th October 2007 at 2140 hours, I lost my best friend, Ivy Pope. I have known her for just under 16 years. We met in September 1995 when we were in University in Luton. We were both studying psychology and health studies at degree level, and I latched onto her because at 18 years old, I didn't have a clue, but as Ivy was a mature student, she appeared switched on. From those early days on, she was my advisor, my listening ear, my better judgment, my way of having instant fun, she was everything.


Circumstances of your loss?
On Monday 29th October 2007 I fell asleep quite early in the evening after sending random texts to all my friends and family which in a nutshell was one of those junk texts that go around that you are supposed to share with five people including the sender about If I died and went somewhere far, I'd write your name on every star, so everyone could look up to see that your friendship means the world to me!

During that night, totally unconnected I received obviously plenty of calls and texts and as it got later I just ignored them, tiredly drifting off with the thought that I would call tomorrow. Ivy's phone called repeatedly, but I thought, "I spoke to you two days ago and I still have your voicemail, so that'll remind me to talk about us meeting on Thursday 1st November 2007 because that was my day of shift and Ivy would have finished her course work.

Early on Tuesday 30th October 2007 I woke up at 5 am, showered, dressed and as I was about to head out the door for work, I picked up my phone. There were several missed calls etc.. but what did get my attention was Ivy's husband, Michael leaving me a voicemail. He never called, not out of any malice, but as Ivy was my friend and he was her husband, it was just that. Anyway, I called him and still at 0530 hours, I didn't think it strange that he answered the phone. I was all cheery and he sounded odd. Then he broke the news....

I cannot recall the words, I just knew that Ivy, according to him, was dead. I didn't mean to be too judgmental, but I had to ask again and again every detail concerning how it happened. I can not recall what he said. I just know that a drunk driver impacted with the rear of her car on a fast road and crumbled her car, ejecting her from it into the carriageway. She died pretty much instantly of a broken neck.

Initial thoughts and feelings?
I remembering ending the call, and somehow driving the 45 miles to work. I had just started a new role in a new department and with work politics being particulary unsupportive, I knew that calling in and explaining would simply have fallen on deaf hears. I cannot really remember the day. It was sunny, which was odd for October, but I felt beyond grey, in fact I felt nothing at all. I cried, threw up and simply struggled particularly as I had Ivy's cheery voicemail from a few days prior talking about us meeting up, and her usual moans and quirks.
I still have that message saved. I struggled through work that day and knowing that either I had got it wrong and I was actually asleep in a bad dream or my Ivy had left me. I remember explaining to someone at work my news that day and received the comment, "its not as if it is family, you'll be over it soon!" Thankfully my immediate supervisor was more supportive as were my family and friends.


How did you deal with loss in the short term?
Her family arriving, the funeral, cremation etc... and this was all a blur. I fell out with a close friend. I don't even know why, I just know that Ivy is not here and anyone who could not support me during this may as well not be in my life. I am still dealing with her death day by day, we have already had Halloween, Bon fire night, Christmas, New year, My birthday and her birthday! as well as a court case that culminated in Crown court convicting the driver of her death.
I cannot explain the emptiness that fills me most days and more so on the anniversary days.
I find going to her house, where her husband still lives, totally wierd. I half expect her to come round the door with tea or some gorgeous food or a hug and a beautiful smile.

I create online memorial on such sites as yours, I use aromatherapy to soothe, I unusually bought The Bible and placed it by my bedside with a photo of her and me. I am not a church goer, but find comfort knowing that she is in heaven because she was the most honest, selfless person in the world and I know that God is looking after her, as she has never done anything bad to suffer. Gardening was her passion and it has become mine. I feel close to her doing it because I know that she loved it and she would be proud. Years ago Ivy bought me a soft toy version of the BBC TV character PINGU. I will never lose him! Though I understand that she is not physically here; but short term, I simply keep myself busy with doing anything that I think she would approve of or something cool that I could tell her. I believe that she is still with me and all those she loves. I guess in the short term, anything that reminds me of her, is what I immerse myself in.


How did you deal with loss in the long term?
I have not thought that far.



How do you memorialise and remember?
At the place where Ivy died, I placed a Remember me plague and initially flowers were placed. I have since, put a cross with an Ivy plant trailing around it and have planted some pretty coloured sturdy plants so that her exit spot from this world will never be forgotten. I also have a home made candle in my home with an inscription. It is a burgundy candle (this was the colour of her hair) with the added scent of freshly cut grass (she was such a gardener that despite all the smells in the world, fresh cut grass reminds me of her) I light this when I feel down and remember positive thoughts alone. I have also got a text that she sent me that I have since printed and framed and the words are typically Ivy soothing logic that fight through difficult times. This is by the front door and a quick glance keeps me in the right mindset. At this point in time, I am still stuck in a tunnel and the bad days still outweigh the good days. But the little things I do for Ivy help me to prolong her spirit.

Jessica's Story

My name is Jessica and I saw your Memorial Website. My brother died six months ago of traumatic brain injury he suffered for six days. I'm trying so hard to get over this and I am letting his death over come my whole life I feel as a part of me went with him and in away it did, I miss his calls and I loved him so much I can never find a love like that in my life again.

Sometimes I feel as I am going crazy or I'm losing my mind, I know there will be a day I will see him again but this was just not fair, he was my little brother I was to protect him and keep him safe like I always did,why is life so un fair? Why is the hurt still here? No answers just passing days, they say as time goes by it gets better for me it don't seem like passing it seems to be here everyday as I wake as I try to go to sleep.

Every night I lay in my bed and try to sleep I cant its so hard when I do I see his face,him lying in that bed so helpless trying with every beat of his heart to open his eyes to see his sister beside him as I always was,but his eyes never opened, he ran out of time he had to go to a better place awhile I lay here helpless and so confused, so as the days go by I try to keep going like I am suppose to,because I carry my little brother in my heart everywhere I go for the days seem to go by as the night is the one thing that's seems to be longer.

Darlene Merasty's Story

I lost my eldest sister in a tragic motor vehicle accident on October 11, 2006. Two family friends also passed away that day as they were her passengers and close friends of hers. They hit an icy patch on the road and they rolled into a pond. My sister died from drowning.
She was 48 years old and should have lived many more years. She lived a healthy lifestyle. She was a nurse. She left behind three young adult children and 5 grandchildren. At first, I could not believe that she had died.

I was shocked beyond belief. At the funeral, it was so sad. All these three people were in caskets, side by side. Many people attended the funeral. To deal with the loss I began to drink heavily day after day. I felt like dying myself. I had already lost my late brother, sister in law and late dad so another loss was too much for me. In March 17, 2007 was the last time I drank. I asked God to help me. I went down on my knees and I asked the Creator for his divine intervention. There was no where else for me to turn.

Alcohol was only numbing my pain and I knew that it was not helping me in the least. It was also destroying my life and my spirituality. I am 40 years old and I too have a family and grandchildren so I knew that if I wanted to be there for them I had to learn to cope better and help myself in positive ways. I began to attend AA meetings and talking to people about the pain I was experiencing. Most of all, I kept asking God to help me and I take one day at a time to the best of my ability.

It works because I am slowly beginning to accept my sisters death. Today I feel anger but I am aware that this is part of the healing process so I accept it and try not to harm others with my anger. In the past I cried by myself and isolated myself. Now I don’t do this anymore. I am not afraid to share my grief and pain with others. I find that this helps me and also my family. Reading about grief helps me and prayer and church attendance and gospel songs are a great help. They soothe my soul and keep me in touch with my spiritual side. I believe in God and I try to be grateful for all that He has given me. I have many people in my life whom I am grateful for.

On October 11, 2007 our family organized a memorial for my late sister. On Highway 139, where she and our friends passed away, we put up 3 memorial crosses. Had prayer and songs and we read memorial tributes to them in the chilly autumn weather. Afterwards, we all shared a feast and visited one another. This was very helpful to our family and next year we are planning another gathering in their memory. It also helps my nieces and nephews as we wanted them to know that no one has forgotten their mother. Even though she is gone she is still alive in our memories. We loved her and we shall never forget her. I continue to try and be there for my family. Coping with life’s losses is much easier if one does not turn to alcohol. It makes things worse when it doesn’t have to be. I wish to share my story with you in the hope that it will help someone.

I am certain that without God’s help I would never have made it this far. I thank you God for all my blessings, help me never to forget where I have been and where I want to go. I learnt of Spiritual Sisters of the internet café and often visit the site as it is very helpful to me. You may post this story on the internet if you want, it would be an honor.

Grief Poems One

Grief Poems Two

Grief Poems Three

Grief Poems Four